Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Randomize
