I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
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