I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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