It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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