how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
