What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
