im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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