I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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