What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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