In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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