She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
My cat gives me a boner
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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