whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
