i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
