Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
