My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
