Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
