Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
