you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Randomize
