I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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