glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
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I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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