Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
My hand turned me down
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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