Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
