i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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