There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
