She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
