I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Randomize
