tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Randomize
