I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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