Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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