he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Randomize
