"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
