I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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