We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
