can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
