a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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