you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
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