Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
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