I think scott just propositioned me for sex
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
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