I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
