Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
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