I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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