I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
