1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
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