Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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