he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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