I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I think she kind of thinks she's better than us now ... please. I go to Michigan.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
