I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
