i think my tv is drunk
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
