I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Randomize
