I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
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