the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
True strength comes from lack of pants
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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