I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
