you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize