I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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