Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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